I can’t believe it’s been (over) 8 years since Erin left her physical body. I was very careful at that time and since, because I knew her friends may have visited and I did not want to burden children with my very deep grief. Well, they aren’t children anymore and I am now at a point where I would like to at least attempt to help others actively with their grief journeys.
I had considered using my primary website, Bluestarhome.net, for this purpose. I have been using it as a grief blog for the last 8 years, but the primary purpose of the Blue Star was not grief but spirituality and other metaphysical topics. It began as Blue Star Services back around 1999 and I later changed it to Blue Star Home because it felt less business and more like what I had envisioned (and Blue Star was taken!). Oddly enough, I have recently realized what the Home piece of it is, but that’s a topic for that website.
I want to emphasize that I am living with grief, and I will live with it forever. All of us do to varying degrees. It is not something, contrary to anything you may have heard, that you go through in stages and then complete or get over. When Erin died in August of 2014, my brother in law had suddenly passed away in May. I never grieved him because Erin was in the hospital at the time. After she died, I was consumed. My mother died in December, my father in law the next November, my mentally disabled uncle the next December, and my aunt 2 years after that. I sat with Erin, my mother, my father in law, and my uncle as they took their last breaths. This is not something to take lightly but also it takes a terrible toll. Still, when I think of them, there is some grief there but not to the degree that I grieve Erin. I am also grieving a cat, Helios, that I could not heal from a prolonged illness in 2022.
I have joined a few grief FaceBook groups but they all gave what I consider false hope. Yes you can find joy again. No you cannot get over this. There is no cure. I finally found one called Grief Speaks Out and the admin honors her pain and ours by speaking truthfully about it.
I do not advocate medication for grief, but do not judge you if that’s how you choose to survive it. But be forewarned that dulling the pain with anything only postpones it. When you sober up or come back to reality, you pick up right where you left off. I have grieved without the use of drugs and while it was painful, the worst days are behind me because I learned how to live with it. I did have a spell in late 2014 where I drank too much on more than one occasion and it was more trouble than it was worth. I knew it was too much when after one bout, I laid down to sleep and said to myself “I can go to sleep without being sad tonight.” But it wasn’t until I displayed some uncharacteristic behavior a few months later that I stopped all of that.
What I do advocate that you do is something that doesn’t hurt you or anyone else. I play a lot of games on my phone for instance. I do this when I start to experience anxiety, which I never had before grieving although I think it started when she got sick. Sometimes I watch a lot of TV. It’s not my story, so I immerse myself int it. I used to read, but my attention span has decreased due to the anxiety so I only read sporadically now.
Do something that is soothing to you though. I have an entire “toolbox” of things I use in addition to what I mentioned above. I love YouTube videos for ASMR, crystal and Tibetan singing bowls, and even audio books. It was a very long time before I could “be alone” with myself in the car, so I listened to informative videos or audio books. Basically I did what helped at the time. Think of it like you would soothing an infant – you never know which thing works until it does.
I also used melatonin to help me sleep. It was a couple of years in when a doctor suggested this to me and it worked. I’ll write a short article on melatonin but note that before you think it doesn’t work, try taking another brand or taking more than you have been.
Many people may need counseling if they aren’t adept at working through feelings and issues. I am adept, and I still found some value in grief counseling. I think I had about 6 visits until I was no longer getting value. I was not there seeking medication.
About this website, I have been nudged for awhile to start using it for the purpose it’s fit for, other than Erin’s memory of course. I’m not yet sure what that looks like, but I hope to get there very soon.
Blessings and love to you, and #missingerin